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1. First accept that you can never, ever be an actor Bollywood. Ever. You are not related to anyone in Bollywood or won a Miss India  beauty pageant . You have a better chance to be the first Indian to walk on the Moon than to be a Bollywood actor.

2.  If you are born in a Bollywood family ( Kapoor khandaan are first among all nepotism equals) or winning a Miss India beauty pageant gives you the  moral right to be an actor. No merit needed. Wipe out the good old days of self-made actors. Self-made actor is an oxymoron in Bollywood. Why do you think India is called “superpower”? Be proud of the fact that Bollywood is a superpower in nepotism. Never dream of being a Bollywood actor. Paranormal studies show that God tried to be a Bollywood actor but after hundreds of screen tests, He could not get a break into Bollywood and returned to heaven.

3. Now find your niche market (it is not important to know the meaning of “niche market”. MBA-types will confuse you by spouting jargon). You will intuitively target your niche if you want to survive in the Bollywood film business. Your niche is “scriptwriter”.

4. Immediately resign your day job. Do not moonlight as a Bollywood scriptwriter. Day job will make you lose your focus. Working and paying your taxes tells all that you are not serious about how you want to be Bollywood scriptwriter. Bollywood producers, directors and, above all, stars will say, “Uska time pass karta hai, ma ki aag.”

5. Earning a cent is a blasphemy. Cultivate the starving-artist-in-a-garret image.

6. Urge your former colleagues to get out of the rat race. But do not forget to go on taking loans from them. What are friends for?

7. If you are living in South Mumbai (be it Malabar Hill, Breach Candy or Cuffe Parade) , shift to Andheri, Lokhandwala or Versova. If you are living anywhere in India or even New York’s Manhattan, you have no option but to rent a flat in aforementioned areas. Worldwide scientists have not found the cause but all agree that the air of Andheri, Lokhandwala and Versova changes your blood circulation to make you come up with brilliant Bollywood film script ideas. In fact, medical experts around the world call it “Urge To Be A Great Bollywood Scriptwriter Syndrome”. There is no known cure according to doctors.

8. Coming up with an original idea is a cardinal sin. Ripping off ideas is order of the day. “A Wednesday” and “Khosla Ka Ghosla” are exceptions that prove the rule.

9. Always sit in coffee shop. Tea is passe. Go for espresso or cappuccino. Look like you got a writer’s block and quit staring from your laptop but in fact  ogle at a girl in the coffee shop.

10. If your friends you meet over a cup of coffee – they pick up the tab, not you – and say you are “filmi or “star-struck” or “Bollywood obsessed”, reply saying, “ I have a passion for films.” Just go on saying, “ I have a passion for films.” It is your credo: passion for films.

11. If anyone says, “I can recall great Hindi film screenplay writers like Satyajit Ray, Mrinal Sen, Gulzar, Javed, Salim, Vijay Tendulkar, Shyam Benegal, Kamlesh Pandey and so many but of late, I just can’t name a scriptwriter.” Nod your head and say, “I agree. There are no good scriptwriters these days but I will revive the art of scriptwriting in India. Be patient. Support me. It is not for me. It is for India’s screenplay writing. Mark my words, I will put our country’s screenplay writing craft on the world film map.”

12. If some genuine screenplay writer bounces a script idea off you, simply kill it off. Just say, “Sure it is good but will it be understood the film in Jhumritalya?” Or say, “As your friend, may I be honest? It is mediocre. I expected better.” However once that poor, honest genuine screenplay writer is moving on to working on another idea, you write the script and even copyright it. Pass it off as your idea.

13. Drop names of directors. Not of Indian directors. Casually talk about Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg, Stanley Kubrick, Francis Ford Coppola, Akira Kurosawa, Federico Fellini,, Ridley Scott and Brian De Palma like you are close friends. If anyone doubts it, whip  out our cell phone out and say, “Steven? Do you want speak to him?”  If that pesky insists, say you cannot get through to Steven and blame congested network.

14. It is crucial to have a good rapport with your DVD library. He will recommend foreign films. Without DVD libraries, you might as well commit career suicide. Forget you’ll be a Bollywood scriptwriter. Just work in a call center .

15. Find an obscure film. It is important these days to see Korean, French, Japanese and other foreign language films as many these days do not openly rip off Hollywood. Plus Hollywood studios are aggressive these days and may sue you.

16. If you are too lazy to pick up a film from your DVD library, just download screenplays. There are hundreds of screenplay websites around the Web. Why did they invent the Internet? For you. Only you. Google too was developed to help you find screenplays. Technology is your friend.

17. Genius perspiration to locate which script to clone is 99%. Downloading it is 1%.

18. Alternatively, see the unheard of film on DVD. Smoke. Drink. Pause DVD film. Write. Smoke. Drink. Pause film. Write. Smoke. Drink. Pause. Write. Go on till you pass out and get a hangover next day.

19. If you are multilingual, watch Marathi and Gujarati plays to inspire your script. Do not bother sharing credit with the playwright. Forget money.

20. Now your script is finally penned down, tell all you got hatke se idea when looking at the verdant grass in Lonavala.(Lonavala is a staple. )

22. In case anyone says it is a copy defend by “great minds think alike”, “ it is a coincidence”, “nakal kar ne ki liye akal chaiye”, etc. Use your imagination. It is your fundamental right to copy script ideas.

23. Offense is the best of defense. Just with a deadpan face say , “Hollywood is jealous of Bollywood. In fact they copy our ideas. Did you not know?”

24. Now hawk to an investor. More often than not, they are NRIs and ethnic Indians living in foreign countries who have never stepped on India's shores . Your biggest problem is that from  who you are going to borrow money? You need cash to buy another DVD. 

25. Do the round of meetings. "Script play reading session" is from yore years. Move with the times. Use the word  “meeting”. You will feel self-important. After days, months, maybe years of pleading and begging producers, directors and stars, your screenplay will be green lighted. Beg for money from your father-in-law’s sister’s daughter-in-law to buy 10 DVD copies.

Well now your screenplay will be a super duper hit. If not, persevere.

Chivas Regal has launched “Here’s to Friendship”, two short films  about real friendship directed by Academy Award winning short film maker Joachim Back. 

Each film centres around a group of four friends, taking the audience through break-ups, breakdowns and good times.of modern male friendships. Each film centres around a group of four friends, taking the audience through break-ups, breakdowns and good times.

In “Here’s to Big Bear” . we find four friends stranded at a train station in the middle of nowhere. With no cell reception, no water, and no sign of life, they are forced to set off across the desert in search of a way home. We join them on their sun-scorched journey, one that leads them to an unexpected encounter with ‘Big Bear’.

In the second film, “Here’s to Twinkle”, Sammy gets his heart broken leaving Joe, Emilio and Nicholas to pick up the pieces. They know the drill. A day of beach, bowling and basketball to take his mind off his misery. But despite their efforts it finally takes ‘Twinkle’ to put a smile back  on Sammy’s face.  

(Tip of the hat to Inspiration Room. )

While escorting an elderly man to an undisclosed location, The Driver is confronted by a van full of armed men and is warned that the old man has stolen a large amount of diamonds. The old man claims to have swallowed the diamonds and that the men will likely cut him open to retrieve them. The Driver decides at the last minute to help him, participating in a car chase and shootout with the van. The Driver eventually evades his pursuers and watches their destruction. He then delivers the old man to a town nearby and asks the merchant if he did indeed swallow the diamonds. The client merely chuckles and walks away. The Driver then leaves.

The Driver protects a holy Asian child that was brought to America by boat. The child gives the Driver a gift but says that he is not supposed to open it yet. After being pursued by many armed assassins, and being grazed in the ear, he delivers the boy to another holy man. The Boy however signals silently to the Driver that the man is not actually a monk, indicated by his footwear. The Driver defeats the impostor holy man and rescues the boy. As he leaves the Driver opens the gift which is revealed to be a Hulk bandage for his bleeding ear.

The Driver is hired by a nervous movie manager to spy on a paranoid actor's wife. During his tailing of the wife, the Driver describes the right way to tail someone. As he follows her he begins to fear what he might learn of her apparently tragic life. He discovers the wife is fleeing the country and returning to her mother's, and that she's been given a black eye, likely by her husband. He returns the money for the job, refusing to tell where the wife is, and drives off telling the manager never to call him again.

The Driver is chosen by a spoiled and shallow celebrity to drive her to a venue. Unbeknownst to her, her manager has actually hired the Driver to teach the celebrity a lesson. Pretending to escape her pursuing bodyguards, the Driver recklessly drives through the city, tossing the hapless celebrity all around the backseat. They arrive at the venue, where she is thrown out of the car and photographed by paparazzi in an embarrassing end on the red carpet.

The Driver is chosen by the UN to rescue a wounded war photographer named Harvey Jacobs from a hostile territory. While they are leaving Jacobs tells the Driver about the horrors he saw as a photographer, but he regrets his inability to help war victims. Jacobs answers the Driver's curiosity about why he is a photographer by saying how his mother taught him to see. He gives the Driver the camera film needed for a New York Times story and also his dog tags to give to his mother. When they reach the border, they are confronted by a guard who begins to draw arms as Jacobs begins taking pictures, seemingly trying to get himself killed. The Driver drives through a hail of gunfire to the border, but finds Jacobs killed by a bullet through the seat. The Driver arrives in America to visit Jacobs' mother and share the news of him winning the Pulitzer Prize and hand over the dog tags, only to discover that she is blind.

The Driver is hired by the FBI  to help defuse a hostage situation. A disgruntled employee has kidnapped a CEO and has hidden her, demanding $5,088,042. The Driver delivers the money, writing the sum on his hand as instructed by the hostage taker. After he is told that he holds the life of a person in his hand, he is ordered to burn the money. As he complies, the federal agents break in and attempt to subdue the man, who shoots himself in the head without revealing where the woman is hidden. The Driver then tries to find the hostage before she drowns in the trunk of a sinking car. As a twist, the kidnapped woman is revealed to be the hostage taker's lover. She coldly taunts the dying man in the hospital.

In an unnamed foreign country, the Driver drives a wounded man who carries a mysterious briefcase, while under helicopter attack. During the attack the briefcase is struck by a bullet, causing a display on it to begin counting down, and it to leak an unknown fluid from the bullet hole. The Driver manages to cause the helicopter to crash, but refuses to proceed without knowing the contents of the damaged briefcase. It is revealed that the man guards a human heart for transplant to a statesman (shown in military uniform), whose life and peacemaking is needed for the continued freedom of the country's people. The case is delivered by the Driver in time for the surgery. Also present are another military officer whom the passenger had said would take over the country with tyranny if his superior died (and whose uniform matches the soldiers who had tried to intercept the heart), and US agents who ensure that he does not interfere with the surgery, and so is forced to give up his attempt to take the country by force.

Beat The Devil

The Driver is employed by James Brown, who goes to meet the Devil to re-negotiate the deal he made as a young man in 1954 to trade his soul for fame and fortune. He is worried about his ageing and the fact he can no longer do his moves like the splits, and says his lessened ability to perform means he cannot maintain his fame and fortune. He proposes a new wager, for the stakes of the Driver's soul against another 50 years for his career, betting on the Driver drag racing  against the Devil's doorman/driver Bob on the Las Vegas Strip at dawn. The race ends with the Driver swerving to pass around a train while the Devil's car crashes and explodes. Having won the race, the Driver leaves James Brown in the desert, but as he drives away he sees him as a young man again, who then does a handspring into the splits. The final scene shows Marilyn Manson who lives down the hall from the Devil, complaining that the noise is disturbing his bible reading, much to the Devil's fear.