How to be a great Bollywood scriptwriter
1. First accept that you can never, ever be an actor Bollywood . Ever. You are not related to anyone in Bollywood or won a Miss India beauty pageant . You have a better chance to be the first Indian to walk on the Moon than to be a Bollywood actor.
2. If you are born in a Bollywood family ( Kapoor khandaan are first among all nepotism equals) or winning a Miss India beauty pageant gives you the moral right to be an actor. No merit needed. Wipe out the good old days of self-made actors. Self-made actor is an oxymoron in Bollywood . Why do you think India is called “superpower”? Be proud of the fact that Bollywood is a superpower in nepotism. Never dream of being a Bollywood actor. Paranormal studies show that God tried to be a Bollywood actor but after hundreds of screen tests, He could not get a break into Bollywood and returned to heaven.
3. Now find your niche market (it is not important to know the meaning of “niche market”. MBA-types will confuse you by spouting jargon). You will intuitively target your niche if you want to survive in the Bollywood film business. Your niche is “scriptwriter”.
4. Immediately resign your day job. Do not moonlight as a Bollywood scriptwriter. Day job will make you lose your focus. Working and paying your taxes tells all that you are not serious about how you want to be Bollywood scriptwriter. Bollywood producers, directors and, above all, stars will say, “Uska time pass karta hai, ma ki aag.”
5. Earning a cent is a blasphemy. Cultivate the starving-artist-in-a-garret image.
6. Urge your former colleagues to get out of the rat race. But do not forget to go on taking loans from them. What are friends for?
7. If you are living in South Mumbai (be it Malabar Hill, Breach Candy or Cuffe Parade) , shift to Andheri, Lokhandwala or Versova. If you are living anywhere in India or even New York’s Manhattan, you have no option but to rent a flat in aforementioned areas. Worldwide scientists have not found the cause but all agree that the air of Andheri, Lokhandwala and Versova changes your blood circulation to make you come up with brilliant Bollywood film script ideas. In fact, medical experts around the world call it “Urge To Be A Great Bollywood Scriptwriter Syndrome”. There is no known cure according to doctors.
8. Coming up with an original idea is a cardinal sin. Ripping off ideas is order of the day. “A Wednesday” and “Khosla Ka Ghosla” are exceptions that prove the rule.
9. Always sit in coffee shop. Tea is passe. Go for espresso or cappuccino. Look like you got a writer’s block and quit staring from your laptop but in fact ogle at a girl in the coffee shop.
10. If your friends you meet over a cup of coffee – they pick up the tab, not you – and say you are “filmi or “star-struck” or “Bollywood obsessed”, reply saying, “ I have a passion for films.” Just go on saying, “ I have a passion for films.” It is your credo: passion for films.
11. If anyone says, “I can recall great Hindi film screenplay writers like Satyajit Ray, Mrinal Sen, Gulzar, Javed, Salim, Vijay Tendulkar, Shyam Benegal, Kamlesh Pandey and so many but of late, I just can’t name a scriptwriter.” Nod your head and say, “I agree. There are no good scriptwriters these days but I will revive the art of scriptwriting in India. Be patient. Support me. It is not for me. It is for India’s screenplay writing. Mark my words, I will put our country’s screenplay writing craft on the world film map.”
12. If some genuine screenplay writer bounces a script idea off you, simply kill it off. Just say, “Sure it is good but will it be understood the film in Jhumritalya?” Or say, “As your friend, may I be honest? It is mediocre. I expected better.” However once that poor, honest genuine screenplay writer is moving on to working on another idea, you write the script and even copyright it. Pass it off as your idea.
13. Drop names of directors. Not of Indian directors. Casually talk about Martin Scorsese , Steven Spielberg , Stanley Kubrick , Francis Ford Coppola, Akira Kurosawa, Federico Fellini,, Ridley Scott and Brian De Palma like you are close friends. If anyone doubts it, whip out our cell phone out and say, “Steven? Do you want speak to him?” If that pesky insists, say you cannot get through to Steven and blame congested network.
14. It is crucial to have a good rapport with your DVD library. He will recommend foreign films. Without DVD libraries, you might as well commit career suicide. Forget you’ll be a Bollywood scriptwriter. Just work in a call center .
15. Find an obscure film. It is important these days to see Korean, French, Japanese and other foreign language films as many these days do not openly rip off Hollywood. Plus Hollywood studios are aggressive these days and may sue you.
16. If you are too lazy to pick up a film from your DVD library, just download screenplays. There are hundreds of screenplay websites around the Web. Why did they invent the Internet? For you. Only you. Google too was developed to help you find screenplays. Technology is your friend.
17. Genius perspiration to locate which script to clone is 99%. Downloading it is 1%.
18. Alternatively, see the unheard of film on DVD. Smoke. Drink. Pause DVD film. Write. Smoke. Drink. Pause film. Write. Smoke. Drink. Pause. Write. Go on till you pass out and get a hangover next day.
19. If you are multilingual, watch Marathi and Gujarati plays to inspire your script. Do not bother sharing credit with the playwright. Forget money.
20. Now your script is finally penned down, tell all you got hatke se idea when looking at the verdant grass in Lonavala.(Lonavala is a staple. )
22. In case anyone says it is a copy defend by “great minds think alike”, “ it is a coincidence”, “nakal kar ne ki liye akal chaiye”, etc. Use your imagination. It is your fundamental right to copy script ideas.
23. Offense is the best of defense. Just with a deadpan face say , “Hollywood is jealous of Bollywood . In fact they copy our ideas. Did you not know?”
24. Now hawk to an investor. More often than not, they are NRIs and ethnic Indians living in foreign countries who have never stepped on India's shores . Your biggest problem is that from who you are going to borrow money? You need cash to buy another DVD.
25. Do the round of meetings. "Script play reading session" is from yore years. Move with the times. Use the word “meeting”. You will feel self-important. After days, months, maybe years of pleading and begging producers, directors and stars, your screenplay will be green lighted. Beg for money from your father-in-law’s sister’s daughter-in-law to buy 10 DVD copies.
Well now your screenplay will be a super duper hit. If not, persevere.
