Tips for Indians to win an Oscar award
Sure, plenty of brilliant actors have been nominated and won the Oscar because they were the right person for the right part. But, if the rejections from the ‘Lagaan year’ have decreased your patience level to zero, here are quick, easy and time-tested ways to get the nod in a hurry and dramatically improve your chances of winning. Not just that Indians will have something to brag about and live in reflected glory for the next decade.
Step 1: Though American media and people refer to celebrities as citizens of a country called Los Fruitcake Angel Dust, all denizens of Hollywood have earned degrees in BS (Bachelor of Shit ), MS (Master of Shit), PhD (Piled Higher and Deeper) from Buffalo University, don’t fall for your own bull-crap and underestimate Hollywood .
Has any Hollywood actor, director or producer entered Filmfare, Screen and assorted Indian film awards? No? Just accept it. Don’t shout from the roofs that the world audience love Bollywood. How did the American diplomatic corps describe India? “ Self-proclaimed permanent UN security council nation.” Pride cometh before the fall.
See: Rang De Basanti, Taare Zameen Par, Peepli: Live
Step 2: Write a script keeping Americans in mind. Specifically, Los Angeles. Forget India. Who in America understands cricket? Americans often describe cricket as baseball on Valium. Do Indians understand American football and baseball? Americas are into sprinting and jogging.
See: Lagaan, Chariots Of Fire, Marathon Man.
Step 3: Don’t fall for the trap of Best Foreign Language Film Oscar award. You’ll be pigeonholed as a foreign film actor or director. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Kindly read the rules. Carefully.
“Every country is invited to submit what it considers its best film to the Academy. The designation of each country's official submission has to be done by an organization, jury or committee composed of people from the film industry, whose members' names must be sent to the Academy. Only one film is accepted from each country. The Foreign Language Film Award is not given to a specific individual but is considered an award for the submitting country as a whole.”
Just one film represents one billion Indians.
If you want to protest, don’t submit an entry. Take the Foreign Language Film Oscar award or leave it.
See: Rang De Basanti, Taare Zameen Par, Lagaan and Devdas.
Step 4: Don’t rip off Hollywood films and then expect to win an Oscar Award. See Step One. They will dig up the original film and then reject you for plagiarizing the idea. Your “inspiration” excuse is just shooting yourself in the foot.
See: Rang De Basanti (Jesus of Montreal), Peepli: Live. ( Ace In The Hole) .
Step 5: Get a foreign director even though script is about India. But think big. Get Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, Danny Boyle, Francis Ford Coppola, or Steven Soderbergh to sign on the dotted line. Keep your distance from John Woo, Ang Lee and Tsai Ming-Liang. Too close. Living on the same continent.
See: Gandhi, Slumdog Millionaire
Step 6: Avoid a female foreign director or scriptwriter. As an Indian, you may be find it astonishing that it has taken more than 80 years for a woman to win the Best Director Oscar. Hollywood is male dominated. There is a good reason why the Statue of Liberty is on the East Coast and not on the West Coast.
See: Hurt Locker, The Piano, Lost In Translation.
Step 7: Don’t feel smug. Compared to Hollywood, Bollywood male artists act like Taliban war lords. With a Bollywood mindset, you’ll never win an Oscar. You’ll cast a 45- year-old artist to portray the angst of a 23-year-old college student. At best, your gaffe will provide comic relief to the judges.
See: Driving Miss Daisy, On Golden Pond, Blue Sky, Million Dollar Baby, The Reader.
Step 8: Biopic is a good bet. How about Mother Theresa? Buddha? Their biopic will be universally understood. Bonus to title the movie with the individual you are portraying.
See: Gandhi, Erin Brockovich, Ray, Patton.
Step 9: A production company from Hollywood allows you to enter the Academy Awards in as many categories. Even though it is about India or by an Indian.
See: Unbreakable, Gandhi, Elizabeth.
Step 10: Star a handicapped or mentally ill character. Disability induces massive guilt in judges. Even though a brave, courageous person came over any disability, never use him/her as an actor. Hollywood studios market star power very well but in subtle ways.
See: My Left Foot, Coming Home, Ray, Rain Man, Forrest Gump, And A Beautiful Mind. Scent Of A Woman, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.
Step 11: Just like women who veer toward bad boys and men who seek out trophy wives, the Academy Awards jury go for handicapped or mentally ill character, you relentlessly pursue insensitivity. Urban Indians have their strong points too. How about two paedophiliacs cannibalizing 100 innocent girls? A poor farmer selling a 10-year-old girl to a 60-year-old man for 50 bucks? Female foeticide ? Filching kidneys from the impoverished and selling it to the rich? No need to make the film. Academy Award jury will get anxiety attacks just reading you script. But get graphic when writing your screenplay. In fact, the judges will fund your movie to get over their PTSD (Post-Traumatic Screenplay Disorder ) you triggered.
See: Anything going on in India not covered by mainstream media.
Step 12: Banish “method acting” “, “perfectionist”, “sensitivity, “passion” and assorted words from your Bollywood filmmaking vocabulary. Quit being a poseur. See Step One.
Remember you are dealing with an actor who did his own makeup and used cotton balls to simulate the puffed-cheek look. An actor who gained 55 pounds and learned how to box to bring the real-life story of boxer Jake La Motta to the screen. An actress, who gained 30 pounds, shaved her eyebrows and wore prosthetic teeth to play female serial killer Aileen Wuronos.
Remember you are dealing with an actor who did his own makeup and used cotton balls to simulate the puffed-cheek look. An actor who gained 55 pounds and learned how to box to bring the real-life story of boxer Jake La Motta to the screen. An actress, who gained 30 pounds, shaved her eyebrows and wore prosthetic teeth to play female serial killer Aileen Wuronos.
A director, who was so obsessive about getting the camera right, often filming scenes over a 100 times. A director’s eyesight had deteriorated almost completely by the time principal photography began and he could only frame shots with the help of assistants, who used his storyboard paintings as guidelines. A director of a legendary rockumentary was airbrushed out in the infamous cocaine drop hanging from a rock. He also directed for free.
See: Marlon Brando (The Godfather), Robert De Niro (Raging Bull), Charlize Theron (Monster), Stanley Kubrick (The Shining), Akira Kurosawa (Ran), Martin Scorsese (The Last Waltz).
Step 13: Stinginess is raised to an art form in India but not in Hollywood. In their drug haze or busy stepping in and out of rehab, Hollywood stars donate millions of dollars. Not just for some publicity stunt or photo-ops. Why do you think no Bollywood actor to date has made an Oscar acceptance speech? What goes around come around.
See: All Hollywood celebrities.
Step 14: If nothing works, make a statue and call it "The Aamir". Get all your Bollywood hangers- on to organize a mini Academy award ceremony. And get one of them to present The Aamir to you.
See: Aamir Khan
Step 15: Still in clinical depression after winning The Aamir for Best Actor? Even your dog is tired of you and barking at you? Then go back in time when India made great Hindi films. Get inspired. Forget winning an Oscar award. Follow in the footsteps of legendary actors, producers, directors and music composers to make art for art’s sake.
See: Mother India, Pakeezah, Barsaat, Naya Daur, Guide, Pyasaa, Deewar, Kaagaz Ke Phool, Nishaant, Saraansh, Sholay, Aradhana, Mere Apne, Mausam, Koshish, Junoon, Vijyeta, Jane Bi Do Yaaron. Aashirwad.
~Sunil Shibad. All Lefts Reserved to Hollywood. All Rights Reserved to India. All Center Reserved to me.
